It could be you!

Do you know what annoys me? Well, there are a lot of things that annoy me - people accusing me of being a Geordie, the fact that I'm almost sure that my neighbours are drug dealers but not sure enough to report them or blackmail them, the fact that I am stereotypically blonde and girly when it comes to DIY (as my chair-fixing and wall-painting disasters will attest to. I would say that I hope my landlord doesn't read this but after Friday's incident I'm not convinced my landlord can read) and the fact that I get hazardous chemicals in my eyes on at least a weekly basis.

Today's annoyance, though, is the lottery. Sundays and Thursdays are always tragic times for me. There should be a 12 step program for the lottery - everybody's always saying how you can become addicted to heroin after using it once, but nobody seriously warns you about the lottery.

It took me a while to get into it, because my mother used to complain about it all the time and moan about where the money went, so I always thought there was something intrinsically awful about the lottery. Then again, whenever my mother went to vote, she'd refuse to tell me who she voted for - she told me she wasn't allowed to, because it was a secret. For a long time, I thought politics was like Freemasonry.

Anyway, I just used to do the lucky dip - why not, I thought. Someone's got to win it, it's a bit of fun and I can at least hope it'll be me. It never was, but it always seemed like the next week, the numbers I had last week came up. So I decided to use the same numbers every week.

Now, I was very careful about this. I read that you shouldn't use birthdays because then you'll never have a number higher than 31. So I did a little fiddling to make it work - my birthday is 26/12, so I added those together and had the number 38. I did the same with my mum's birthday, my best friend's birthday, my niece's birthday and my dog's birthday (twice). Sorted. I put a lot of thought into my lottery numbers.

But I still haven't won! I haven't even won a tenner! What's that all about? At first, I genuinely believed I was going to win the jackpot. Every Wednesday and Saturday I'd be there on the edge of my seat, waiting for the draw. But now it's like when I was at school, and I used to hope that I'd wake up to snow so I wouldn't have to go. But my hopes were always in vain, because it was June (and despite what Vanessa Williams says, I'm still not convinced that the snow does come down in June. Especially not in Redcar). And also because I had to go to school in the snow anyway. So actually, it's nothing like that.

Anyway, last night my friend was round and we were watching Britain's Got Talent and I was painting my toenails - Saturday nights are a hub of activity in my house, as you can see. I realised the lottery had been on, and wondered aloud whether I had won. He said, "bloody deluded people." Now, I'm not sure if he was talking about the people on Britain's Got Talent or people that do the lottery, but he's right! I am deluded! But I can't stop playing the lottery, because what if I don't buy a ticket and my numbers come up? Before I got my fastpay card (a truly heavenly invention), I used to panic in case I didn't put the lottery on on time. I am actually addicted.

And the advert! I can't find it anywhere to show you, but you know the one - "let's hear it for the optimists" and all that. It makes me feel like playing the lottery means I'm a fantastic person. That advert is like the Marlboro Man of the gambling world.

But then, playing the lottery is far better than smoking. It costs a lot less, for a start - the lottery only costs me £2 a week, and they never put it up when they do the budget. You're not banned from playing the lottery in pubs and people don't give you dirty looks when you play the lottery in the street. Also, the lottery gives you a chance at winning a lot of money, no matter how miniscule that chance is. Smoking has never given me that chance - the only thing smoking has given me is an increased probability of a premature death and yellowing fingernails.

So, really, all things considered, I don't think the lottery is that bad.

You know what else really annoys me, though? That Bridget Jones style advert. I think it's for Activia. That's just crap, isn't it?